The Hand & Flowers

"Our Most Underwhelming Food Experience To-Date... ...and that's before you consider the supposed Michelin-star quality for what was actually being served or, indeed, the exorbitant price tag. Both of Kerridge's restaurants strike me as food (and service) being offered by someone who's either no longer paying attention, doesn't really care any more ... or is simply trading on a reputation and exploiting their guests to the fullest extent possible. To contextualise this, in the past couple of years we've eaten more locally at Adam's (several times), Six by Nico, Gaucho, Tattu, The Ivy (several times), Fumo, Original Patty Men, The Beefy Boys, Medicine Bakery, a local hotel restaurant at The Moat House (Acton Trussell) and, top of the tree by quite a significant margin, the truly magnificent Opheem. We've previously dined at Le Gavroche, Gordan Ramsay's Bread Street Kitchen, Gordon Ramsay at Claridge's, Marco Pierre White's at The Cube, Bank, Jamie’s Italian and Fifteen, Leftbank, Lasan, Bonehead, Purnell's, Simpson's, The Cliff (Barbados), The Lonestar (Barbados), The Four Seasons (New York), Peacock Alley, The Bull & Bear Steak House, and Oscar's Brasserie (all at The Waldorf=Astoria, New York) and myriad other venues all over the globe. I mention all this not to name-drop - what would be the point? - but simply to contextualise what follows so that whomsoever at Kerridge's reads this recognises that my family and I have got a reasonable idea of what good food tastes like, what good service is, and how the decor and atmosphere in a restaurant contributes to the overall experience, not detracts from it. Many of the places mentioned were outstanding and truly memorable culinary experiences - Opheem, earlier this year for instance, was a cornucopia of new tastes and textures my wife and I will never forget - but few of the venues mentioned promised more than they could actually deliver in the way the 2 restaurants we ate at over the past couple of days did. What should have been a magical wedding anniversary experience, turned out to be an expensive disappointment - a VERY expensive disappointment, as it turned out. Each of the aforementioned restaurants in that list remained true to what they promised, whereas each of Kerridge's places boasted Michelin stars (with prices to match) ... but not one of them even come close - in terms of food, decor, atmosphere or service - to any of his competitor's eateries, even the really basic ones. And I mean that in all honesty. Whereas we would return to Opheem - and spend £400-plus on their tasting menu with wine flight in a shot (and I genuinely wished we had, with hindsight) - my wife and I would never consider going anywhere near anything by Kerridge. Put simply: the competition simply blows him out of the water, IMHO. We have absolutely no idea how these venues earned their accolades. This entire weekend was characterised by mediocre food, in extremely average settings, with sub-par service, all accompanied by extravagant price tags for what was served. For example, the cheese coarse my wife received earlier today (instead of a dessert) - in Kerridge's two-starred restaurant, no less - was a slice of poppy bread, a slab of fairly tasteless cheese and some chutney tasting predominantly of mince-pie filling. There wasn't even any butter offered. This might be acceptable in a bistro for a few quid, perhaps, but it is inexcusably mediocre and entirely lacking any culinary imagination whatsoever in a so-called 2-Michelin star restaurant. Slabs of food flopped onto a plate. I wish I could say my peach tart was any better ... but it is bested by almost anything available at any French village patisserie for <<€5. Their coffee is better too. Then there was my main course. If I'd chosen the lamb my wife had, perhaps I wouldn't have minded as much - but even this was simply standard Ivy fayre or good quality pub grub: a piece of decent quality meat on the bone, accompanied by a nice reduction or jus, with some almost inedible kale (2 chewy pieces were left uneaten) accompanied by a £6.50 optional mashed potato dish; however, given I wasn't exceptionally hungry, I chose the lighter mackerel dish. Mistake. Big mistake! The skin wasn't even remotely crispy, it was chewy; there was so little flesh it could have been a sardine or two; the sauce tasted of, well, very little to be honest and certainly wasn't particularly well seasoned ... but the accompanying slivers of vegetables were entirely bland and rubbery in texture. I couldn't even figure out what one of them was it tasted of so much nothingness! A truly awful dish. Halfway through our main course we were asked whether everything was OK with our meal, to which my wife replied her "lamb was delicious" and I said, "Sorry, but no - it's bland and tasteless". I was offered a replacement ... but that would have simply ruined the flow of the meal, my wife would simply have eaten hers alone and, given I wasn't exactly ravenous or optimistic, I didn't feel the need to tempt fate and start again. To be brutally honest, I'd had so many average dishes over the past 2 days I simply couldn't be bothered. Instead we anticipated it to be removed from the bill, as have other such sub-par dishes in any other restaurant we've visited, even the most basic of pub chains! But, nope: there it remained ... alongside a £7.50 espresso! I kid ye not. Seven. Pounds. And. Fifty. Pence ... for a somewhat bitter espresso with absolutely no crema to speak of. I'd rather have had a Nespresso capsule from the room we stayed in! This was like Turkish coffee in a local caff. Thankfully, the service was a lot more attentive than for our breakfast a few hours earlier (more of which later); nevertheless, the wine waiter repeatedly poured the water as though he was filling a bucket, with so much of it landing on the table at one point that that a waitress came over and mopped some of it up. As the draught from the open window we were sat next to (which had seen better days, maybe several decades earlier) grew colder and the noise and fumes from the school run cars grew more intense, I simply wanted to leave. I pulled the window to a little but it wouldn't close and, given its condition (held together by decades of flaking paint) I didn't want to tug on it too hard. Nit-picking? Yes, absolutely. But this isn't a £20 meal for 2 at a Harvester or a 'Spoons(!) - this is supposedly an award-winning restaurant! Expectations have been set. Expectations were not met. Tired venue, bland food bordering on the boring. And so, a return to that morning's breakfast. Overall, the food wasn't at all bad. But, again, this is a 2-star restaurant venue, remember, so one expects great things; exceptional things, even ... and it just wasn't. It didn't even come close. We had to ask for some butter. We had to ask for conserves (by which time the croissant was cold). A second coffee arrived with yet more sugars and milk (the wobbly table was already full) such that the main course couldn't fit on. And the main breakfast dishes arrived while I was still eating the now cold croissant. And then I had to wait yet again to obtain condiments for the breakfast ... by which time the egg was cold and the toast chewy. Honestly, I've rarely seen such inattentive staff. My wife had a bowl of fresh fruit, a solitary coffee, a glass of apple juice and two fried eggs, both stacked on single piece of toast. And almost another 15 minutes for the bill - on top of what we'd already paid for the weekend 'package'! Hardly imaginative and certainly nowhere near anything representing good value for money. As I intimated at earlier: expectations were set, so this might've been acceptable at the local greasy Joe's caff but is entirely unacceptable in this environment and at these prices. The previous night we ate at The Coach. A nice enough pub, with tables a little closer together than most other Michelin-starred venues we've been to(!) ... but nothing excellent food couldn't compensate for. We started with gin and tonic. As several were entirely new to me - locally sourced gins - I asked the waitress to find out which would closely resemble a Monkey 47 gin. What I received was something which tasted almost entirely of lime. A £14 fail. Unfortunately (for The Coach), the cocktails tasted better (and were more appropriately priced) in The Botanist over the road and the staff there are honest enough not to B-S customers in order to get a £14 G&T order! And so to the food: the mushroom risotto tasted nice ... but lacked much rice and what was present was far too soft, lacking any bite. The pork dish was tasty ... but overly fatty (not crispy, but the inedible slimy fat one gets when poaching meat). The 'main event', the beef and horseradish, were excellent and I greatly enjoyed the potatoes with beef stock and butter reduction. However, none of it - and I do mean none of it - was redolent of anything even remotely approaching Michelin-starred food. I mean, roast potatoes and a buttery dip? A modicum of goats cheese with a lot of pickled beetroot and a vague vinaigrette - I make my wife better lunches at home most weekdays. Apart from the overly-salty salt cod Scotch egg (with the smallest egg I've ever seen turned into a dish for two people) I genuinely can't remember anything I'd want to eat again. Michelin quality food is meant to be evocative, to bring the senses alive, to demonstrate skill and panache. This was just food, sustenance at its most basic ... and most expensive. The surcharges for the lunch and evening meal 'events' were typically far greater than some of the memorable 3-course meals we've paid for elsewhere. After every, single Michelin-starred restaurant my family and I have visited, when we leave we're chatting about the food, how imaginative the dishes were, how on earth the chef conceived something so magical, what made them put X and Y together, the colours, the smells, the venue, the decor, the cutlery, the crockery, the service, the people - something, anything, everything - and we can't wait to mention it to friends and family alike. For this weekend treat - this expensive weekend treat - we drove for almost 4 hours for the experience and were so underwhelmed that my wife immediately informed fellow gastronomes (my cousin and her husband, who were planning a visit) to stay local and not bother. The best we could say about the weekend is that we had a somewhat relaxing stay and hadn't had to cook for a coupled of days. This was an anniversary gift from my wife and, while I don't know - and nor do I want to know - exactly how much the total package was, I understand that it wasn't exactly cheap. Even without knowing the price, though, I saw how much the supplementary items and drinks were priced at and I feel she has been fleeced. One final thing: even if the food, service and environment were up to scratch - which they aren't - the 'package' is a discounted experience at full-price rates: at every opportunity you're reminded you're eating from a cut-down version of what might once have been available. Essentially, you're paying through the nose for an incredibly mediocre experience, and that's even before the first dish arrives. Disappointed and underwhelmed doesn't even come close. Steer well clear."